When You're Gone
by Soldier's Strife
Summary: Matt's thoughts during the time he and Mello spent apart. Songfic to "When You're Gone" by Avril Lavigne


_I always needed time on my own  
>I never thought I'd need you there when I cry<br>And the days feel like years when I'm alone  
>And the bed where you lie is made up on your side<em>

_When you walk away I count the steps that you take  
>Do you see how much I need you right now?<em>

It's been a week since he left. My only friend. The only person in this world who I ever felt close to. Gone. I understand why he left. But, it still hurts. Badly. I never thought I was the type to get close to someone. Close enough to actually cry when they walked out of my life forever. Man, was I wrong. I cried that night. For the first time in years, I cried. Over him. After the tears came the mind numbing pain when I realized I would never see him again. Suddenly, I found myself wishing I'd never been brought to Wammy's House. If I had never been brought here, I never would have met him. If I had never met him, I never would have liked him. If I had never liked him, I never would have fallen in love with him. If I never loved him, it wouldn't hurt so bad when he left. But, I was, I do, I did, and it does.

_When you're gone  
>The pieces of my heart are missing you<br>When you're gone  
>The face I came to know is missing too<br>When you're gone  
>The words I need to hear to always get me through<br>The day and make it ok  
>I miss you<em>

It's been two months since he left. The pain has dulled to a distant ache, not really a bother, but always on the edge of my consciousness, waiting for something to remind me of him so it can stab me in the back. I hardly talk anymore. People tend to avoid me, as if they can sense the emotional turmoil in my mind. Video games have become more than a hobby. They've became an escape. In those virtual worlds there is no pain, no sadness. No loneliness. At the moment, I'm in my room, being "punished" because Roger caught me smoking. I don't really know why I started smoking. To rebel, maybe? Or maybe I thought it would help me deal with the icy loneliness that has become a part of my everyday life. Two months. Enough time to get over it and move on. Ha. Yeah right. I still miss him

_I've never felt this way before  
>Everything that I do reminds me of you<br>And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor  
>And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do<br>When you walk away I count the steps that you take  
>Do you see how much I need you right now?<em>

It's been a year since he left. I'm no longer at Wammy's. I needed to get out. Everything there reminded me of him. All the possessions he left behind. They still littered our room as if he had just left for classes and planned to be back at the end of the day. I couldn't take it anymore. The first step towards healing is forgetting. Maybe I'm starting to heal. The pain is gone, replaced by a comfortable numbness. Memories of him are starting to get a little blurry around the edges. I'm far from normal, but maybe, just maybe, I'll get there some day.

_We were made for each other  
>Out here forever<br>I know we were, yeah  
>And all I ever wanted was for you to know<br>Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul  
>I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah<em>

It's been three years since he left. It scares me when I try to think of him and all I get are blurred memories and shadows of his voice. Have I really healed that much? I don't want to forget him. I still love him. But, my mind forces me to accept the cold reality my heart tends to avoid. He's gone. He's forgotten about you. You're just faded images and long dead laughter. Just a part of the past he left behind. I continue living as much of a normal life as I can. I'm healing. Slowly my broken heart is mending itself. I've learned to smile again. The sunlight doesn't feel so cold anymore. Life goes on.

_When you're gone  
>The pieces of my heart are missing you<br>And when you're gone  
>The face I came to know is missing too<em>

It's been three days since he found me. He needed a hacker and I happened to have the skills. He contacted me and I accepted. He was my best friend after all. And I've come to find that love doesn't die easily. He's different, not only because of the scar and the way he dresses. But, every so often, I see glimmers of the Mello I grew up with. The one I used to laugh and smile with. The one I fell in love with. The one I still love. My mind is screaming, 'You're just setting yourself up to be hurt again.' But, honestly, I don't care. This time with him, no matter how brief it may be, has healed me. I barely remember the sleepless nights and lonely days of the past. We're together again. The one that injured me, turned out to be the one who saved me. Pain? Loneliness? I've forgotten the meaning of those words.

_And when you're gone  
>All the words I need to hear will always get me through<br>The day and make it ok  
>I miss you<em>


End file.
